Almost five years ago I started a blog. I’d just had my first baby and wanted to document her babyhood (since I can’t find her baby book now, this was a good decision). I called it “A Bushel and a Peck” because blogs about adorable babies have adorable names. In my grand introduction, I promised that all posts would be 80% pictures/20% words, not because I didn’t have words to write but because I didn’t think my words were important.
If I’m going to be totally honest, I cared a lot about what people thought of me. I feared being annoying. I feared being presumptuous. I feared others’ judgments. I feared saying too much. I feared self-promotion. I just feared.
Several months into posting innocuous “Charlee Updates,” I wrote something totally unrelated to babies or dirty dishes or even motherhood, something God had been beaming into my little head for months. I hesitantly considered, “Maybe, I’ll just write ONE thing about this ONE thing and then go back to posting cute pictures of my baby because that’s so much safer.”
As soon as I pushed “Publish,” I felt as if I’d cautiously taken my heart from my chest and placed it atop everyone’s Facebook newsfeed like, “HERE. I’m just gonna place this here. Please, please don’t crush it.”
And what do ya know? It wasn’t crushed.
Four years and many more words later, I’m still fearful. But I’m also learning that God is not the source of fear, that Satan thrives on fear, and
that letting my fear win is basically telling God,“I care more about my comfort than I care about your calling.”
And then I realized that I believe in this message. That if what I’m sharing is a story of imperfection, of emptiness, of crying out, of hope, of grace, of change, then that is not a story about me, that is a story about Christ. And there is nothing self-promotional in sharing that.
I love to write. I love vulnerability and honesty in the name of connection. I love learning my heart as I type. I love hearing someone else say, “ME TOO.” I love having something that is solely mine during this season of giving, exhausting, sacrificing. I love feeling a flood of words that are so clearly not my own. I love starting with one grand idea and watching God morph it into something entirely different, something better. I love connecting, challenging, sharing, encouraging, loving people through words … in ways I could never do face to face because I can be hopelessly awkward.
And so I’m going to say something that’s taken me five years to get the nerve to say out loud: I want this. And I will be damned if I don’t try because of fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of rolled eyes, fear of not being good enough, fear of negative opinions of me.
A mentor recently told me, “Let the doubts build your confidence. The Enemy doesn’t attack those who pose no threat.” Let that rest on you for a moment. What are your doubts? Where are you letting him chip away at your confidence, allowing him to steal God’s thunder? Because as much as we make this about us, it’s so not. That thunder Satan is stealing is not ours.
I want so desperately to be a threat. I want Satan to be terrified when he thinks of me because I threaten the grasp he has on so many of God’s people.
So I am resolved to look straight ahead. I am tired of constantly looking to the left or to the right, comparing my gifts, measuring up, seeking approval from everyone else BUT my Creator. Isn’t it just SO exhausting? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE.
Okay, that’s a lie. I do, but I’m working on it. Baby steps, right?
Here’s the deal. I’m going to try to make this happen. I’m launching a new site, (Welcome!) that hopefully will get better with time (what the heck is HTML?), and we’re just gonna DO. THIS. THANG.
So this is me, feeling very legs-in-the-stirrups-at-the-gyno (was that too far? I never know the line…) shamelessly asking for your support, love, and prayers that God will be all up in here these next few months/forever. Please ask that this be a place of honesty, sincerity, inclusiveness, encouragement, and humor (duh). Pray that this be an oasis of goodness in a world that can feel so not good. Pray that this not be a place for “Christians” but for people. ANYONE searching for a message of hope. Pray that fear getthehellaway. And that I don’t suck. Please ask for that, too.
Since I have no pride left, here are some other practical ways to help a sister out:
Share. If a piece speaks to you, spread the love.
Comment. Even if you just say “sup,” getting a comment is like getting the WARMEST HUG IN THE WORLD.
Click. This is where my face starts cringing and I feel like I need to explain. I have put in a couple ads in hopes that I can like, be a writer or something. Please know I have never done this for the money (seeing as I’ve made exactly $0.00 to date) and will continue to NOT do this for the money.
Finally, can I sincerely say thank you? I know people always say crap like, “I could never have done this without you,” and we’re all like, “Puh-leeeease. Stop being so dramatic.” But seriously, I wouldn’t have had the courage. Period. If I could play “The Wind Beneath My Wings” and grab your hands as we spin around in circles, I would do that right now. You have grown courage within me and, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Also, welcome to jordanharrell.com. 🙂