Confessions of a New Mom

Since before Charlee even made her appearance, I, like most moms, have been inundated with advice and questions and how-to’s and articles on the right and wrong ways to be a mom. I’ve ALSO seen tons of blogs and posts about how people just need to relax, and parent how they see fit. While I like the latter articles better, I still get annoyed that everyone has an opinion on how to be a mom.

So I thought, why don’t I just confess all the ways I have screwed up in the last year? I think that will be more fun for everyone… way better than listening to me vent about the pressure moms feel to use cloth diapers, get their 10 week old baby to sleep 12 hours straight, feed homemade everything, and poop gold.

Therefore, I bring you…

15 Fails That Prove I am an Imperfect Mother

1. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m going to, I have never woken up an hour before Charlee to shower, dress, do my hair, makeup, read my bible and eat breakfast. Not once. And I’ve committed to doing this about 43 times.

2. Therefore, when/if we leave the house before naptime, I sometimes usually put on workout clothes, throw my hair in a wad, and sling on some tennis shoes so that instead of people saying, “Good gosh, she is a hot mess,” they say, “I’m so impressed with that mom. She got up early and worked out…” What they don’t know, won’t hurt them.

3. I always think around 4 pm, “DANG IT! I was going to cook something in the crock pot today! Is it too late?” Never fails.

4. Charlee has eaten, and will continue to eat, ice cream, cookies, JIF peanut butter (not the natural kind), cheerios that have been in and around her carseat for a few days, cheerios that have been at the bottom of her diaper bag, dirt, rocks, grass, her own bodyweight in puffs and she once licked her own spit up off the ground.

5. I haven’t brushed her teeth yet.

6. My child pooped in the bathtub two weeks ago, and I have yet to clean her bath toys. She hasn’t played with them, don’t worry. I just keep throwing in random other non-toys, like brushes, shampoo bottles, plastic balls, etc. I’m thinking that I might just trash the old and buy some new. Lazy? Or hygienically responsible?

7. She has fallen off the bed at least twice.

8. She fell out of her Bumbo from the table onto the kitchen floor. Thankfully, I was not home for this one. But Clark might have been crying when I got home.

9. I rarely wash her paci after she chunks it onto the ground. Places like wal-mart, the doctor’s office, and ant beds typically call for washings, though.

10. She was naked 75% percent of the first 10 months of her life just because she didn’t like putting clothes on, so therefore I did not like clothing her.

11. Most of the times Clark and I take Charlee to my parents’ house, around the block, she rides in his or my lap. Let me remind you, this is a place for honesty, not judgment.

12. We didn’t get her a birthday, Christmas, or Valentine’s day gift.

13. I have never made my own baby food. Okay, wait. I tried once. And that was the end of that.

14. I have used a LOT of disposable diapers. And will double that amount in a few months. But Clark and I recycle. So it evens out, right?

15. I forget to wash her hands sometimes before she eats lunch, after she’s been playing outside in the dirt. After she eats, I look at her hands and think, “Oh my goodness. Her hands are black.”

All this to say… I am not the best mother in the world. But I have zero doubt that I am the best mother for Charlee Kate and nobody on this planet could love her more or better than me.

And to all you that gasped multiple times as you read this, I’m sorry. Please don’t call CPS.